The Avoiders

Brief introduction paragraphere I will introduce the concept of avoider, some traits, understanding, introspection etc.

Characteristics of
The Avoiders >


Conflict Avoidance: They steer clear of potential conflicts or sensitive topics, preferring to keep peace at the surface level.

Minimal Confrontation: Avoiders are hesitant to engage in discussions that might lead to disagreement, often resulting in unresolved issues.

Indirect Communication: They might use hints or silence to express dissatisfaction, relying on their partner to interpret these signals.

Emotional Withdrawal: In times of stress, Avoiders tend to withdraw emotionally and physically, creating distance in the relationship.

Seek Harmony: Their primary goal is to maintain harmony, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or not fully addressing problems.

The Silent Killer in Marriages: Conflict Avoidance

A Common Misconception

Contrary to popular belief, the absence of conflict in a marriage doesn’t signify a healthy relationship.

Conflict is an expected part of any relationship.  What’s most important is how you handle disagreements.

Can you discuss your differences in a respectful, clear, and calm manner? Many couples struggle with this, and end up falling into detrimental patterns of conflict avoidance.

Two Destructive Patterns

The Illusion of Peace

This first pattern is the complete avoidance of any conflict. These couples take pride in never arguing but at a significant cost. Internally, they’re constantly compromising and suppressing parts of themselves to avoid any tension. Over time, this lack of authenticity can often lead to unexpected and abrupt breakups, what Michele Weiner Davis refers to as the “walk-away wife syndrome.”

The Cycle of Avoidance and Escalation

This second, more common pattern involves alternating between avoiding conflict and explosive arguments. These arguments often escalate quickly, with yelling, hurtful comments, and threats. After the storm, a cooling-off period follows, but the issues remain unaddressed, leading to a buildup of resentment and a repeat of the cycle.

A Structured Approach to Conflict

Breaking the cycle of fighting and avoiding requires learning how to navigate disagreements constructively.

This involves:

• Practicing New Skills: Learning to manage reactions, soothe oneself, speak without blaming, and listen without defensiveness.

• Understanding Each Other: Discussing important issues calmly, even when there’s disagreement, without the conversation turning into a fight.

• Reframing Conflict: Viewing disagreements as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than threats to the relationship.

Embracing Conflict for a Stronger Relationship

Avoiding conflict might seem like the path to peace, but it’s a temporary solution that ultimately undermines intimacy. By learning to face disagreements head-on, couples can build a more honest, supportive, and resilient relationship.

The Avoiders

Avoiders prioritize peace and harmony, often at the expense of expressing their true feelings or addressing issues directly. This communication style is characterized by a preference to avoid conflict and a tendency to suppress one’s own needs or concerns.

Results of Communicating This Way

• Relationship Strain: Important issues may remain unresolved, leading to built-up resentment or misunderstandings.

• Emotional Distance: Over time, consistently avoiding issues can create disconnection between partners, as unaddressed emotions pile up.

• Personal Frustration: Suppressing feelings can lead to internal stress, frustration, anxiety and even affect your self-esteem.

Tips for Improvement

• Take Small Risks: Start by sharing small concerns with your partner. Practice makes it easier to tackle bigger issues. Focus more on how you want to express yourself rather than your partner’s expected response.

• Set Boundaries and Expectations: Learn to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly, understanding that doing this is healthy and necessary for a balanced relationship.

• Seek Support: Consider counseling or workshops on communication to build confidence in expressing yourself.

Tools for Growth

• Daily Reflection Journal: Spend a few minutes each day writing about your feelings and any conversations you avoided. Reflect on why you chose not to speak up and how you might approach it differently.

• Communication Exercises: Practice specific scenarios with a trusted friend or therapist, focusing on expressing your thoughts and feelings.

• Mindfulness and Stress Reduction Techniques: These can help manage the anxiety associated with conflict, making it easier to engage in difficult conversations.

Is Avoiding Conflict Weakening Your Marriage?


Conflict is something many of us shy away from, especially in our marriages. It feels easier to just say “I’m fine” than to admit we’re anything but. Yet, the truth is, avoiding conflict does more harm than good.

The Cost of Keeping Peace at All Costs

While it might seem like avoiding disagreements keeps your marriage smooth, it’s often a shortcut to deeper issues. Imagine this: you always agree to choices you’re not happy with, from movie picks to dinner plans, just to avoid a spat. Sounds familiar?

This approach might dodge arguments in the short term, but it builds a foundation of resentment and dishonesty. Over time, you might even forget what it’s like to voice your own preferences, leading to a simmering pot of unspoken frustrations.

The Reality of Conflict Avoidance

It’s a common scene: couples in my office, shocked by a sudden divorce request after years of what seemed like a conflict-free marriage. “We never fought,” they say, bewildered. “I thought we were happy.” This scenario isn’t rare. It’s a stark reminder that avoiding conflict can be the silent killer of marriages.

Turning the Tide: Embracing Conflict for Growth

Here’s the good news: conflict isn’t a marriage ender; it’s a growth opportunity. If you’ve always viewed disagreements as disasters, it’s time for a mindset shift. Conflict allows you to understand each other better, paving the way for a stronger, more honest relationship.


Nine Simple Steps to Constructive Conflict:

  • Ask Yourself: What’s the worst that can happen if I speak up? Chances are, it’s not as bad as you think.
  • Start Small: Build your confidence by expressing your opinions on smaller issues.
  • Take Your Time: It’s okay to pause and think about what you really want to say.
  • Change Your Perspective: Remember, conflict is a normal, healthy part of any relationship.
  • Speak Up: Voice your thoughts when disagreements arise.
  • Avoid Assumptions: Don’t try to read your partner’s mind.
  • Address Issues: Speak up instead of keeping the peace at your own expense.
  • Be Clear: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner.
  • Practice Honesty: Aim for open, honest communication, even when it’s tough.

From Fear to Growth

You can learn to face your fears and communicate openly, transforming conflict from a source of anxiety into an opportunity for growth. By practicing these skills and tracking progress, couples often find they’re better equipped to tackle tough conversations without fear.

The Perfect Marriage Myth

Remember, a marriage without conflict isn’t perfect; it’s probably just surface-level. True strength in a relationship comes from working through differences, not ignoring them.